Describe your most embarrassing moment...
How easy it would be if there was one standalone horrifying moment, but the truth is, when you have the type of relationship with gravity and general bad luck that I do, cringe-worthy moments are about a dime a dozen. So is it the time I wiped out in the middle of the quad at uni in front of everyone? The time I skidded across the dance floor on New Years Eve, on my ass? When I tried to be a badass and slammed the gas pedal, only to find that the car was in reverse as I hit the car behind me? The horror movie quality screams from when a pigeon flew into me at Namesti Republiky and I had a total spastic freakout? Or the time I turned into a human avalanche, skis, arms, and poles flailing as I careened towards what I thought was my death?
Whatever. I have the world's fastest blush response time it seems, but most of this doesn't bother me. I just think it's funny, and will carry on laughing to myself for the next half hour or so (just to complete the look of a total nutjob, in case anyone was left wondering). In this, I like to follow the wise words of Chelsea Handler...
Next question is...
Describe 10 Pet Peeves You Have...
- People who don't know how to play the guitar but insist on picking it up and strumming along anyway. STFU. Do you think that you'll pick it up and magically the chords from Stairway to Heaven will emanate from your fingertips? This is quite possibly the thing that drives me the most insane. Just put it down and be quiet.
- Male roommates who don't put the seat down. Rude.
- Old people who cut in line. I am all for being nice to the elderly, but just because you're 80 years old doesn't mean you can look me in the eye and then sidle in front of me at checkout. Actually, yes you can because I'm not actually ballsy enough to say anything about, but be warned - there will be a LOT of "Hmphs" directed at you.
- That Czech people don't ever move out of the way on the sidewalk. This sidewalk ain't big enough for the both of us, y'hear? But seriously, international traffic patterns apply. Move over!
- Lady Gaga, every time she gives an interview. It's too much.
- When there are typos and grammatical/spelling errors in books. If enough people read this for it to be published, surely SOMEONE with an English degree must have seen this and noticed. (Update: Please note I have neither an English degree nor a publisher, and no one is proofreading these, not even me to be honest, so errors here are completely acceptable.)
- Pretentious expats. I'm sure there are plenty of times when I come off as a pretentious expat as well, but I am talking about the type of expat who move to Prague and think they are soooooo global and cultural and interesting and all they want to do is talk about philosophy and why they're so much better than everything around here and that the Czech Republic is backwards and look at this fabulous vintage sweater I got and intelligentsia and blah blah blah. These people are also usually about 23, so they also are naive and immature as well as pretentious. Quite similar to hipsters in other parts of the world. Go away.
- People who click the "Like" button on Facebook for inappropriate status updates. Like when you see your dear friend post something like, "God bless you Grandma, I miss you already. RIP" or "Day 528 and still no electricity" and then along comes some asshole and clicks thumbs up.
- When people call me Lauren.
- When I try to speak Czech and people look at me like I have two heads, and then answer in English. The same people that will only speak Czech if I use English. Stop screwing with me, I know what you're doing.